Pregnancy is already an emotional roller coaster, but, man, the last week has been a lot. Week 11 began with me still scrambling to find a local doctor who would be willing to do shared… More
I can’t lie. When they told me I was only 8 weeks along last week, I was disappointed because pregnancy has been rough, and that meant I had at least another month of the really hard stuff. And I know that some people would say, “you should just be grateful you can even get pregnant” or “a lot of people would love to feel sick knowing they were having a baby.” But can I just say this? If I were a billionaire with constant explosive diarrhea, I should be allowed to complain about my diarrhea every now and then, and it wouldn’t take away from the fact that it’s still nice being a billionaire. I feel like it’s the same with pregnancy. I should be able to complain a little bit about feeling nauseous almost all day and being crazy tired without it taking away from the fact that, yes, it is cool that I’m growing a human. The miracle of pregnancy is not lost on me.
I wasn’t sick during the first trimester at all with Leeland, but I was sick every day after the first trimester. That sickness was different, though. I could manage it as long as I ate something every 5 minutes. This time around I haven’t really been able to find anything that helps consistently. I’m sure the only reason I haven’t puked is because I am willing myself not to. My brain is stronger than my stomach! And I have food aversion this time around. Never had that with Leeland, either. Most of my favorite foods are totally off limits and others are touch and go depending on the day. Chocolate is pretty repulsive to me right now, and pizza has only been successful once. I’ve had vegetables twice in the last 3 weeks! How sad is that?!
I’ve been dreaming WAY more frequently than usual. I’ve had one dream that the baby was a boy and two that it was a girl and also a dream that I was a black woman. In one dream, I named her Amy. My sister says she is “team Amy Jr 2019,” and I think that infiltrated my dream.
Being pregnant with Leeland taught us how to live day to day out of necessity. We just didn’t know which one would be our last, so it was hard to look beyond the day we were living. It’s another reason I am thankful for him and his life. Because I have found myself doing that, but not because I have to. I am expecting that we will make it full term with a healthy baby, but I want to live day to day, too. I don’t want to take it for granted and rush through these weeks just because I feel like junk. There is something freeing about just living in today. I’ve found myself imagining what life will be like a year from now, and that’s okay, too, but I really like being able to be right where I am without letting fear or impatience take me to a day that hasn’t even come.
It’s almost been 5 years since we found out I was pregnant with Leeland. Carrying him and losing him..it was all so much. He changed us forever. He was followed by years of grieving and trying to figure out what happened to my body, and we had found ourselves in a place where we were content with whatever happened. If we had another baby, great. If I never got pregnant again, that would be okay, too.
People asked often, “How do you feel about getting pregnant again someday?”
I could only imagine what I would feel if that day ever came. I knew it would be more than just joy. It’s so much more complex for us. I imagined pain, bittersweet memories, being taken back in time to when it was Leeland kicking me from the inside. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I wanted a long time ago. I knew I would need that if the time ever came.
What I imagined was just a sliver of what I felt when I gazed upon this 3 weeks ago: Continue reading “It Happened”
That’s what it’s felt like. Just a blink. Continue reading “And Just Like That”
Man, I’ve done a super crappy job of writing lately, but I’m okay with a little failure here because I’ve had really good success in other places in my life.
Jamin and I have never been great at reading the Bible and praying together consistently, so last June we decided we were going to try to get into the habit of it. We read one chapter every night and made a list of 11 things that we would pray for and, as one was answered, we would add another to the list. Because we have always struggled to get into a routine, one of the first things we prayed was that we would be able to stick with it for one month. Here we are a year later, and we’ve kept up with it with the exception of one night. There have definitely been nights where it would have been easier to just skip it and go to bed, but we haven’t done that. I’m most proud of us because we’ve done quite a bit of traveling in the last year and those were the times that we would fall off the wagon in the past, but we managed to carve out the time.
And I’ve been working out more regularly. I’ve struggled to work out consistently for a few years, and it’s been frustrating. We live in a small town and always had to drive at least 20 minutes to get to a gym, so it was easy for me to make an excuse at the end of the day to not make that drive. But I have access to a gym now, and it’s only a 3 minute drive! I’ve been waking up at 5 in the morning, which is really horrible, but also really effective. I get my workout done, so I don’t have to worry about evening plans interfering, and I am way more productive with my mornings. I go to the gym and take my dog for a walk all before work, so any activity in the evening is just a bonus. I’ve been feeling better and have been way more confident.
Maybe now I’ll get some consistency back with writing. We’ll just have to wait and see.
There is a picture we have on a shelf in the living room of us when we were dating. We were boating with Jamin’s parents in Clear Lake. There’s also a picture of us from the day we got married. I love those pictures.
I’m almost done with this huge project of scanning in old photos from my childhood (it’s only taken me about 2 years!!). I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and will likely reach it this weekend or early next week. It’s been fun and strange all at once, looking at those old pictures – looking at who I was and who my siblings were.
I look at pictures from when I was very young with my grandpa. I can see the gradual progression of his cancer. He looked really sick towards the end.
I look at pictures of me and my siblings when it was just 5 of us – before our youngest sisters were born. We had no idea how limited our time with Krissy would be; everything was just our normal life. I see pictures of 8 year old me and try to remember my life before EVERYTHING changed, but sometimes I see those images and think, “Who is that little girl?” I know it’s me, but it seems like a lifetime ago.
Then I see pictures of us growing up. Dee and Becky were born, and we all went through awkward phases. I see pictures of 16 year old me and ask myself the same question.
“Who is that girl?
That girl who’s experienced so little and so much all at once. A lot of healing took place in the 8 years since Krissy died, but that girl who was so changed when Kris died is about to change all over again. She will have to relearn how to navigate a whole new world very soon. It’ll hurt, and it’ll be hard, but she’ll do it.”
I look at that picture of me and Jamin on that boat, and I remember how happy we were. I loved spending time with him when we were dating – I still do! Our relationship was so young and lacking any real hardship.
Then I look over to the picture from our wedding day. What an amazing day that was! We both had ideas about what marriage would be based on our parents or based on things we’d seen or been told. I don’t think either one of us could have anticipated what our first few years would look like. I certainly never would have predicted the losses we would endure, but I also never would have expected to grow as much as we have so quickly.
I look at any picture that was taken before a life changing event in my life, and I have such a hard time remembering the girl in the photo. Sometimes I wonder if I have changed so much that she’s not even here anymore…that maybe I’m someone else completely now. It’s all happened so quickly.
I used to be a little girl whose legs had never been swiped out from under her – who had never felt the sharp pains of grief in her body. It’s so strange how life changes us. I can never be that girl again, but what I can be, what I have become, is more whole than I have ever been because God is in the business of restoring, and He has done just that.
I turned 27 today. It seems crazy to me, so I can only imagine how crazy it must seem for my parents.
In our house, we like to celebrate birthdays for a whole weekend, and President’s Day made for a THREE DAY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! We had so much fun.
On Saturday, we decided to go to a nearby “ski resort.” I say that loosely because Continue reading “27”
I think my body has been doing its best to not catch all of the sickness that has been going around the last few weeks, so I just haven’t felt 100% for a while. My sinuses have been draining and leaving me with a sore throat in the mornings. It hasn’t been fun, but it’s not influenza, so that’s good!
We went to church yesterday, and, as I strained to sing during worship, I was reminded of something. Continue reading “Lose Your Voice”