Life: When There Are No Words – These Are Enough

In the last month, my husband and I have decided we would begin to try to get pregnant. And as I sit here thinking about a baby in the future, I am thinking of another.

It was about this time two years ago that we conceived our first, but it wasn’t until months later that we discovered our time with him would most likely be very short.

Loss sucks, and losing our baby was not the first loss I had experienced. In fact it wasn’t the second, third or even fourth. And I know it will not be the last either. We all know that death is part of this life here on earth, and it is never easy to deal with, but there is something extraordinarily difficult about losing a child. Maybe it’s having to witness a part of you die while the rest of you still remains. Or maybe it’s the reminder that this life will never be long enough. I don’t know exactly what makes it so difficult, and maybe it is something entirely different from person to person. No matter the reason, there is no loss quite like it.

And in the realm of losing children, there is something quite different about losing a child you’ve had years with and one you’ve only had for weeks or months. My mom and dad lost their first child, my oldest sister, after sixteen years. Our son never lived outside of my body. And there are parents in between and outside of that range.

I am writing this for the people around us. The ones who haven’t been through it and don’t know what they can do. People typically aren’t sure how to respond to grieving mothers and fathers. It can be especially difficult to know what to say if they lost a baby. You just don’t have the memories you would be able to share if the child had lived longer; sharing memories is a great way to show grieving parents that you haven’t forgotten and can be fairly easy to bring up in conversation, but what can you say to someone who lost a baby? Quite simply,

“I remember.”

“I haven’t forgotten.”

Right now, if you say those words to me, I will cry. I will cry because I miss my son every day, and I will cry because you have reminded me I’m not the only one. Maybe we can cry together, or maybe it will be just me, but remember, they aren’t bad tears. You take me back to the time when I got to feel him move in my belly. When you say you remember, you take me back to the sweet times that I wish weren’t gone. For me, there is never a bad time to remind me that you haven’t forgotten.

Please do not be worried about hurting a parent by bringing up their child because I assure you – you can’t hurt me worse by talking about my son than it hurt to lose him. You may think, “I don’t know how often it’s appropriate to bring up their baby.” Consider anyone with a living child. The answer is – there is no such thing as too much. Whenever you want to talk about it, do it. Most people want to know their kids are remembered and loved, even if they aren’t here anymore.

Say the child’s name if they were given one. For those of us who have lost a baby, whether through miscarriage or stillbirth, when you say his or her name, you are validating that our baby existed – that they mattered to someone other than us. We don’t have years of pictures and stories to show the impact our babies made on the world, so we need you to tell us.

As I think about a baby whose life hasn’t even started, I think about Leeland. I think about how much I miss him, and I think of how thankful I am for friends and family who aren’t afraid to talk about his life – and I still wish it happened more.

So if you know someone who has lost a child in one way or another, talk to them. Let them go back to a time when their son or daughter was with them. Share a memory or just say, “I remember.” And know that they appreciate it more than you will ever know.

To the moms and dads in my life who have lost children. I remember. I will not forget you.

 

IMG_5751.JPG

3 thoughts on “Life: When There Are No Words – These Are Enough

  1. You are so brave and I am so proud of you. My prayers will be with you as you try for another. Pragnacy is hard as you know as you were farther along than me when I lost mine but a pregnancy is still hard even under good conditions especially for a mother who has had a miscarriage or still birth. I was so scared when I didn’t feel any movement for any length of time while I was carrying Felicia. I was scared that I would loose her too. Then the twins well they moved around constantly. The fear was still there. Would I loose them because of twinning? Identical twins can take from each other although mine were in separate sacks the possibility was still there. The two babies I lost I was at about 10 weeks. I still remember it like yesterday. My living children talk about them or used to. They would talk like they were still living and what they would be like. To them they did not realize the loss I feel and would cry. They would ask me why I was crying. My daughter now has come to realize how painful it is and will tell the boys to stop. It is quiet here now with no mention of their lives. I still remember as my living children do too but the days of talking about who they would be now are now gone. Maybe someday when they have children if their own. They will tell them of their siblings that they never got to meet. One would be 22 next month and the other would have turned 20 in April. Those days slip by me easier now with my children keeping me busy but sometimes I think what would they be like and would we still be close. God gave me the gift of seeing them holding my hand on mother’s day and saying they were okay. We’re with Jesus now and he is taking great care of us. We love you mommy and thank you for giving me life.

    Like

  2. Love you and jamin! I am so happy that we got to share a wee bit of time with Leeland at Jessica’s shower. God’s blessings on the things to come.

    Like

  3. Amy I remember seeing you post all your updates on little baby
    Leeland who’s was taken way to early and was so cute .You and Your Husband is such an inspiriation to many parents with the love you have for Leeland .And how your faith in God brought you guys through it all .I will being praying that you guys become pregnant soon .Good Luck. Praying Lynn

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s