I disappoint myself a lot, and I am so thankful that there is grace for that.
I was talking with my husband about how I wanted more in my relationship with Jesus. In a lot of ways, I just wanted more. I wanted more intimacy. I wanted more growth. I wanted more opportunity. I wanted to know more of Him and be more like Him. And it isn’t Jesus who leaves me wanting – it’s me. I don’t always set aside time. I don’t seek Him enough. I don’t deny myself.
And I got to thinking – what if I treated Jesus like I do my favorite TV show? What if I set aside a whole hour on a given night every week just for Him – or even binge read the Bible instead of binge watching another show on Netflix? What if I wouldn’t miss time with Him for anything? What if I told people about Him with the same fervor I tell people about Downton Abbey? What if I tried to convince other people to give Him a chance the same way I do for The Walking Dead? What if He was a go-to topic of conversation with new friends?
I mean, I do talk about Jesus with friends, but I think that my disappointment comes from a place of missed opportunities. Even with my closest friends who are believers, Jesus isn’t who we talk about the most, and I can’t help but wonder why that is…
I say I want more opportunities, but I wonder – if I turn down an opportunity, does that mean it never existed? I say I want more opportunity, but what have I done with the opportunities I’ve had? I think when I say, “I want more opportunity,” I am really saying that I want more boldness. So that’s what I’ll pray for.