For the Birds

I know this will offend some people, but I have to say it anyway.

Birds are the worst. Truly. The worst.

You might catch me saying that a certain bird is beautiful, but don’t mistake my ability to recognize the beauty of nature as a wavering in my disgust for birds.

I think birds are the worst for a lot of reasons, but the biggest reason is because they just poop on whatever they want whenever they want.

I’d managed to make it through the last 25 years without getting pooped on more than one time, until Mother’s Day.

My husband and I were getting in the car and a bird pooped on the door of my car, and it had a ricochet effect and got me in the face and hair. It’s a miracle I didn’t throw up.

I don’t typically leave the windows down very far on my car when I’m not in it because I don’t want little creatures making it their new home, but I left the driver’s side window down about half way one afternoon last week. When I returned, I noticed a bird had pooped on the window. I thought, “Man, that could’ve been bad. I’m glad it didn’t poop inside!”

I spoke too soon.

Not only did it leave a massive poop on my window, but it also pooped on the dashboard just inside, on the little vent that blows air on the driver.

AND THEN I had another surprise a couple days ago.

It’s been pretty buggy lately, so my windshield has been gross and covered in guts (and bird poop, of course). I was waiting in the car while my husband ran into a store for something, and I noticed this one poop in the center of the windshield just looked weird. It looked like it had more dimension than all the other poop, so I reached out and touched the spot, fully expecting to feel the glass windshield under my finger.

That is not what I felt.

I felt bird poop under my finger.

I touched bird poop.

With my bare hand.

A bird had somehow managed to poop in the CENTER of my windshield on the INSIDE!

I can’t even begin to imagine how it happened, but I know one thing for sure.

Birds are jerks.


4 thoughts on “For the Birds

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