I Wasn’t Ready

Everything got really real on this day two years ago.

I was almost 32 weeks pregnant.

We were doing life on a daily basis and had been for a few months by then. Leeland wasn’t supposed to live beyond the 20 week mark, but he had.

I was about to leave work when I felt something. It felt like I had peed my pants a little. I didn’t really lose control of my bladder when I was pregnant, so I was really surprised that I had done that without even feeling like my bladder was full.

Then it happened again, and I decided I was leaving right away.

I didn’t want to think about what was happening. I don’t know if I thought it would just go away if I didn’t think about it, but I didn’t want to believe it was happening. Not yet.

I got home and sat on the toilet, then I called my husband.

“I think my water broke.”

It wasn’t really true, though. I knew my water broke, but saying those words would make it real, and I wasn’t ready for it to be real.

I started crying. He rushed home.

When we were first told about Leeland’s diagnosis and that it was not compatible with life, I made a choice. I decided I would not just live in fear every day.

There were still times when I was afraid, but when the fear rose up in me, I prayed, and God’s peace rose up even more.

But as I sat waiting for my husband to get home, I couldn’t shake the fear.

I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to endure the labor and my body wouldn’t know what to do. I was scared that maybe I hadn’t soaked in his little life enough with the time we had been given. But mostly, I was scared that these were my last moments with Leeland.

My husband arrived, and he reminded me that we had tons of people praying for us and Leeland and no matter what happened, we would be okay. Peace washed over me.

By God’s grace alone, we joyfully drove to the hospital. We sang and laughed and cried together. God was so present with us in that car. We experienced His peace that passes all understanding.

Our family and friends drove down to support us. We had an amazing photographer and the best nurses in the world.

The labor wasn’t long. I was induced around 11:00pm.

Leeland Ezekiel was born at 3:15am on June 6.

 

 

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