I was sitting on the exam table waiting for the doctor to come back in, when the tears began to fall. I spoke. Not just to myself, but out loud, so the one I hate – the one who hates me and wants to destroy me – could hear what I had to say.
“You will not steal my joy. You will not make me despair. You will not ruin my marriage. You will not destroy me. You will not make me lose hope. I will STILL proclaim the goodness of the Lord! You will not win because HE already has.”
“You will not win because He already has.”
“YOU WILL NOT WIN BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS WON THE VICTORY!”
When I got to the office and told the doctor I wasn’t getting my periods, she said she would get me figured out. She told me several possible causes, and she told me she wanted to do some tests to rule out each one. She did an exam and an ultrasound, added estrogen to take with my birth control for the next month, and ordered some blood tests.
I cried more than I thought I would.
Not because I am or was worried about the idea of not being able to have more kids (or because it could be difficult to do so if it is possible), but because of everything that has happened in the last 3 years. Because my heart is still broken after losing my son. Because I am sometimes still mad that they had to do a D/C to remove that stupid retained placenta. Because that retained placenta happened at all – why did that have to happen after I already lost my son!? Because Asherman’s syndrome is rare, and that might be the cause, but triploidy syndrome is rare, too. Why should two rare and difficult things happen to one person!? Because I don’t know what is wrong with me, and they don’t either right now.
I cried with every test. I cried at every reminder that this life isn’t fair.
The doctor said to come back in a month. Then I went home, and as I drove, I spoke. Out loud, so the One I love could hear me, and so I could hear myself and be reminded.
“Jesus, You are my joy. You are my hope. You are faithful. You are good, and I will continue to proclaim Your goodness to the ends of the earth. I will not be shaken because Your steadfast love is enough. Your love will always be enough. You will always be enough for me.”
“You will ALWAYS be enough for me, Jesus.”
My God can hold the oceans in His hands; surely He can hold all me of when I am broken into a thousand pieces.
James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
2 Corinthians 4:17 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”