I’ve been waiting on insurance to approve an MRI since the middle of August, and finally got word today that my insurance isn’t even accepting the requests from my doctor. It isn’t that they are receiving the requests and denying them – they are seeing there has been a request and refusing to even look at it and put it in their system.
To say that I’m frustrated is an understatement. Tonight I was just angry. I was angry at how stupid insurance is (you won’t convince me otherwise right now) and how messed up my body is with still no answers. I was angry because almost every single one of my vacation days aside from a week long mission trip the last two years has been used up on doctor visits.
So on our way home from working out my husband prayed for me. He prayed for healing of my body, but before he did that he thanked God for all of the things that we have been blessed with and all of the things that we have to be thankful for.
And that made me mad. Because I didn’t want to be reminded that there is still good in my life. I didn’t want to talk about all that we had to be thankful for in the midst of this mess, but I needed that because I just wanted to be angry.
I needed him to remind me that I’m more than what I feel in the moment – that my identity is not rooted in my emotions, but in my Father.
There are unspoken rules that say it isn’t okay to say or do certain things in certain situations. When something bad happens, you probably shouldn’t say, “everything happens for a reason,” but you should say, “God works all things out for the good of those who love him.” When someone is struggling with anxiety, you probably shouldn’t say, “don’t worry about it,” but you should say, “cast your burdens upon Jesus because he cares for you.” Because in terrible moments we need to be reminded of truth even if it makes us mad or uncomfortable in that moment- we need it.
If satan can get us to focus on ourselves he wins. We become ineffective witnesses of God’s grace and goodness, but when we have someone who is willing to say something that might make us really mad for a little while, their words can shift our focus back to where it belongs. And it isn’t about minimizing what we are experiencing. It’s about realizing that God can heal our hurting hearts a whole lot better when our eyes are fixed on him than when we are overcome by ourselves.