My Heart Tonight

My heart has been restless lately.

I’ve been trying to do too much with too little time and I haven’t been taking time to just be still with the Lord. Even my time with Him has had some sort of agenda. So tonight is just going to be me spilling my heart out on these (virtual) pages so that I can look back here in a month and see how God used this time. Because He always finds a way.

I still have so many mixed emotions about what the doctor told us 2 weeks ago. I don’t feel excited about getting pregnant again…at least not right now. And I don’t know if I will be excited if/when it comes. Pregnancy for me the first time was bittersweet. I am not scared that we will lose another child, I just know that if there is a next time it’s going to be really hard, and that doesn’t excite me.

I’ve had some physical pain today that has randomly come and gone since I had my D/C. It’s not really frequent, but when it comes, it really hurts. It makes me hate the body that I have. I know that there are so many people with bodies in much more pain than mine, but sometimes I still wish I could swap out this thing with a body that didn’t have this pain.

I haven’t been motivated to write lately, and I think it’s because I have been trying to do too much, like I said before. I go through phases where I’ll find something and do it like crazy for a week then totally stop. I just really need to work on having discipline in all areas of my life and do things in moderation, so I don’t burn myself out. A lot of the things I stop doing are things I enjoy, but I just go too hard for too long. I’m going to work on that.

I’ll leave it at that for tonight. Tomorrow I get to do something pretty exciting, so I’ll write about that afterward.

 

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