Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe this has really been my life – that I’ve actually gone through all of these experiences. Twenty-six years isn’t much, but those years have been filled with a lot of life.
Here I am, coming to the end of the first period I’ve had in 3 years. It’s so strange.
At the beginning of the week, I told many of my friends about it, and they all responded with excitement. They know what our story has been. They know the grief and the heartache we’ve endured, so they know what this means for us. This means opportunity for us that we thought was gone, so they were all excited.
At first I didn’t know what I felt. I don’t think it was excitement, though. When Jamin came home for lunch on Tuesday he said he never thought he would feel excited about a period, but he was excited, too. He asked me how I was feeling, and I just started crying.
I wasn’t sure if it was hormones, but after thinking about it I realized that I was letting myself catch up. When this whole thing started, and doctors couldn’t figure out what was going on with my body, I decided that I wasn’t going to let any of it steal my joy. I wasn’t going to let this be something that ruined my life. If I was never going to have a period and never be able to have another baby, I was going to be okay with it. Because I didn’t want to spend my life miserable, and I knew that having a baby would never be what defined me.
I knew that no child could complete me or repair the wound that losing our first had created in me. Jesus had to be enough, no matter the circumstances. And He really was. He was so gracious to me, like He has always been. My hope was and still is in Him alone. I can never lose Him! He gave me a peace about everything that was going on, and I was really okay. God bound up all of the broken places in my heart, and He carried my burden with me, so it wouldn’t destroy me. He was with me in the hardest moments, and He continued to turn the things that Satan intended for harm into good. He has given me a story that glorifies His name even in the midst of suffering, and I am so thankful.
But on Tuesday, I finally let myself grieve. I cried because these years have been hard, but they might not be forever, now. I cried because I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, and I could see that maybe this opportunity we thought was gone might not be gone after all. I cried for all of the times that I would have wanted to cry, but didn’t need to because God filled the voids. I cried because God has been so good through all of this, and He continues to be faithful. He hasn’t forgotten me. It was almost as if God walked me through these years and let me feel all of the sadness now, knowing the outcome of it all. Because had I felt all of this in the midst of it, I think I would have been overwhelmed. Everything would have felt like it was piling up on me. I think He protected my heart – that He guarded it for me – until the time had come that I could see the mountaintop as I walked through the valley. He is so good! He protects us even when we don’t know we need protecting.
So here I am on what seems to be the ascent of this journey. I know this won’t be the last time I experience troubles in my life, and I know this isn’t even the end of all of this, but that’s okay. It’s all part of this race I’m running, and I will fix my eyes on the Lord.
2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.