Missing Them

I had a memory pop up on Facebook the other day from 3 years ago. It was this post from when I was pregnant:

UPDATE on BABY LEELAND: It’s been almost a month since the last update. That just seems crazy that so much time has gone by. At that time I was 24 weeks and measuring 36 weeks. When we went to Iowa City, the doctors did another ultrasound. They saw that most of the defects that had been present in the first ultrasound were still there, but there is no hole in his heart! They were unable to drain any fluid that day because the ultrasound also showed that my cervix was slightly dilated. The doctors didn’t want to risk breaking my water and putting me in labor that day. Feeling so huge, I was frustrated and discouraged. The following week I went to see my midwives. Before the appt, I texted Jamin and said ‘Be praying for 32 weeks’ He said he had been praying for that all day. When my midwife came to measure my belly she had to stretch the tape for it to even hit 32! She was very surprised, and so was I! I had lost a month of size in a week! The following week I measured 33 and last week 35. I’m still measuring bigger than I should be, but I’m less than I was before. This Saturday will mark 28 weeks (7 months!!!) for us. 2 months ago we were told that Leeland would die, but here we are. He’s still alive and moving more than ever. That alone is a miracle. We don’t know if he will live after he is born or even if he will be born alive, but I do know that he is in good hands. He is in the hands of the One who keeps his heart beating and breathes life into the lungs of everyone on this earth. I’m so thankful that I can put my hope in the Lord. He has shown Himself faithful time and time again in our lives, and I know He will continue to do so. Because I’m already slightly dilated, we were told that Leeland could be born any time. That was pretty vague, but it was all the doctors could say because they are to the point where they just don’t know. Right now we are continuing to pray and speak healing over Leeland every day and live like we will be bringing a healthy baby home. It’s not impossible, and if we do, Leeland will have an amazing testimony to share as he grows up and bring glory to his Father in heaven. But even if that’s not the case, and we never get to bring him home, he will be home with the One who already loves him more than we ever could. I can’t help but think about Jesus and how He loved us so much that He chose to die, so we could live. That is where my hope lies. Because I know it was that selfless act that means whether Leeland lives on this earth or doesn’t, the victory is the Lord’s, and we will be okay. No matter what happens, all the glory will be for our God, who is always good and who works everything for our good.

Our baby was born a month after I wrote that. I can’t believe that was three years ago. It feels like yesterday and 20 years ago all at once.

On Easter, my husband and I headed to my hometown to see my side of the family. For a long time, he has asked me to show him where my sister is buried, and we actually had some spare time on this visit, so I took him. We found it pretty quickly.

Looking at that rock sent a flood of emotions. I cried because I miss her, but as I stood there, I thought about the testimony she had and how much she loved Jesus, and I was so proud to be her sister. It’s been almost 18 years since she died, but I’ve only gone to her grave site a handful of times.

As we stood there, my husband asked me what she was like. I told him a few things I remember about her, and he said, “She must have had a big impact on you because you just described yourself.” What a huge compliment.

Today was a fun and full day, but I’ve been missing some of my family lately.

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