It’s almost been 5 years since we found out I was pregnant with Leeland. Carrying him and losing him..it was all so much. He changed us forever. He was followed by years of grieving and trying to figure out what happened to my body, and we had found ourselves in a place where we were content with whatever happened. If we had another baby, great. If I never got pregnant again, that would be okay, too.

People asked often, “How do you feel about getting pregnant again someday?”

I could only imagine what I would feel if that day ever came. I knew it would be more than just joy. It’s so much more complex for us. I imagined pain, bittersweet memories, being taken back in time to when it was Leeland kicking me from the inside. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I wanted a long time ago. I knew I would need that if the time ever came.

What I imagined was just a sliver of what I felt when I gazed upon this 3 weeks ago:

I’m pregnant! Jamin brought the test home on the 9th and I took it around 10:30pm with him right beside me. I knew I didn’t want to do it alone.

I’m not even sure I can put into words everything I felt in that moment or even in the weeks that have followed, but whatever those emotions were, lots of tears were the outward result.

Yesterday was out first appointment in Iowa City. They confirmed the pregnancy and gave us the first picture of baby Wass, whom we lovingly call “chips” for the time being. I’m 8 weeks and due on June 10, 2019. Four days after Leeland’s birthday.

It’s early and with the history of scar tissue in my uterus, I’m at increased risk of miscarriage in the first trimester. There is also a risk that my placenta will attach too deeply later on, but we decided a long time ago that if I ever got pregnant, we would share it right away. We want an army praying with us and for us, and we know it’s better to experience life – the good and the bad- together rather than isolated.

So…here we go!