About a week ago I was walking down the stairs to my basement and I said, “Jesus, thank you that I am so full of peace right now.”
I wasn’t doing any sort of self examination or anything. The thought just came to my mind, so I said it out loud.
After I said it, I started doing some reflection. It made no sense that I was full of peace because my past circumstances and the risks I am facing with this pregnancy say I should be afraid. But I’m not, and the only fear I’ve felt was incredibly brief.
A few days later I was making lunch and talking to myself, which I do pretty often. I was thinking about my life and the losses I’ve experienced. I thought about Leeland, and I thought about this new baby growing inside me. And I said again, “I’m not afraid.” Again I tried to figure out a logical reason for my lack of fear, and aside from Jesus there isn’t one.
There is this closeness that comes in times of grief. God is true to His word, and He is close to the brokenhearted and He does bind up their wounds. I’ve experienced it so many times that I know it to be true. And as I stood there making lunch I talked about worst case scenarios.
“Worst case scenario is that we could lose another child, but, God, you have already shown me that I can survive that. Not only can I survive, but you would use it for my good and your glory just like you did Leeland’s life and death. And I have never felt closer to you than when my world was so darkened by grief, so, really, worst case scenario is that I would feel a closeness to you that only comes in times like those. A deep closeness to you is the worst case scenario, and I can’t imagine a better worst case.”
I figured out why I wasn’t afraid.
I’m not saying there won’t be moments of fear as we continue on this journey, but I do know that I don’t have to be afraid, and right now, I’m not. Thank you, Jesus, that your peace wins.