Who’s That Girl?

There is a picture we have on a shelf in the living room of us when we were dating.  We were boating with Jamin’s parents in Clear Lake. There’s also a picture of us from the day we got married. I love those pictures.

I’m almost done with this huge project of scanning in old photos from my childhood (it’s only taken me about 2 years!!). I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and will likely reach it this weekend or early next week. It’s been fun and strange all at once, looking at those old pictures – looking at who I was and who my siblings were.

I look at pictures from when I was very young with my grandpa. I can see the gradual progression of his cancer. He looked really sick towards the end.

I look at pictures of me and my siblings when it was just 5 of us – before our youngest sisters were born. We had no idea how limited our time with Krissy would be; everything was just our normal life. I see pictures of 8 year old me and try to remember my life before EVERYTHING changed, but sometimes I see those images and think, “Who is that little girl?” I know it’s me, but it seems like a lifetime ago.

Then I see pictures of us growing up. Dee and Becky were born, and we all went through awkward phases. I see pictures of 16 year old me and ask myself the same question.

“Who is that girl?

That girl who’s experienced so little and so much all at once. A lot of healing took place in the 8 years since Krissy died, but that girl who was so changed when Kris died is about to change all over again. She will have to relearn how to navigate a whole new world very soon. It’ll hurt, and it’ll be hard, but she’ll do it.”

I look at that picture of me and Jamin on that boat, and I remember how happy we were. I loved spending time with him when we were dating – I still do! Our relationship was so young and lacking any real hardship.

Then I look over to the picture from our wedding day. What an amazing day that was! We both had ideas about what marriage would be based on our parents or based on things we’d seen or been told. I don’t think either one of us could have anticipated what our first few years would look like. I certainly never would have predicted the losses we would endure, but I also never would have expected to grow as much as we have so quickly.

I look at any picture that was taken before a life changing event in my life, and I have such a hard time remembering the girl in the photo. Sometimes I wonder if I have changed so much that she’s not even here anymore…that maybe I’m someone else completely now. It’s all happened so quickly.

I used to be a little girl whose legs had never been swiped out from under her – who had never felt the sharp pains of grief in her body. It’s so strange how life changes us. I can never be that girl again, but what I can be, what I have become, is more whole than I have ever been because God is in the business of restoring, and He has done just that.

 

 

27

I turned 27 today. It seems crazy to me, so I can only imagine how crazy it must seem for my parents.

In our house, we like to celebrate birthdays for a whole weekend, and President’s Day made for a THREE DAY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! We had so much fun.

On Saturday, we decided to go to a nearby “ski resort.” I say that loosely because Continue reading “27”

Lose Your Voice

I think my body has been doing its best to not catch all of the sickness that has been going around the last few weeks, so I just haven’t felt 100% for a while. My sinuses have been draining and leaving me with a sore throat in the mornings. It hasn’t been fun, but it’s not influenza, so that’s good!

We went to church yesterday, and, as I strained to sing during worship, I was reminded of something. Continue reading “Lose Your Voice”

When it rains…in January

It rained this week.

Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but the ground has been frozen for a while now, so when it rained for almost a full day, the water didn’t really have anywhere to go except the basements of many peoples’ homes, including ours.

It wasn’t a disastrous amount by any means. It wasn’t even the whole basement. It was about a quarter of the basement because we have old windows, and it poured in through some of the leaky spots on one of the windows. It could be WAY worse, but it’s still quite an inconvenience.

We have carpet by the window. It isn’t properly installed or anything. It’s just set on a pad on the floor in case we need to take it out. When I first noticed the water, it didn’t seem like it was very much, and I had hoped that it would dry out on its own with the industrial dehumidifier we have down there, but that didn’t happen. Continue reading “When it rains…in January”

The Days in the Middle

It’s already the second Friday of 2018!

I haven’t written for a while. It seems like I add that to every blog I write lately. Hopefully that’ll change. My goal this year is to write AT LEAST every Monday and Friday.

Last night I was thinking about how quickly this Friday snuck up on me. It seems like it was just Sunday, then I blinked, and Friday is already here! It’s kind of scary how that happens – how the week just goes on without me until Continue reading “The Days in the Middle”

I Took It Apart!

There are lots of things in this world that I really hate, but wasting money is probably in my top ten. I hate spending money that I don’t need to spend. I don’t like paying someone to do something that I could do myself (unless I really don’t want take the time to do it, but who hasn’t been there?). It’s why I taught myself how to sew. It’s why I found copycat recipes of my favorite meals at my favorite restaurants and have nearly perfected them.

And it’s why I took apart my washing machine last week. Continue reading “I Took It Apart!”

Dear Childless Mama

Dear Childless Mama,

You know who you are. Whether you are like me and your child was taken from your arms by that nasty thing called death or miscarriage robbed you of that baby in your arms, or that adoption you so eagerly awaited fell through, or infertility has, it seems, built walls around you, so you can’t conceive, or you are still single and wondering if you’ll ever get to build a family with someone – you know who you are, and when I say, “Dear Childless Mama,” you know I’m talking to you. Even if you’ll only call yourself a mom in the depths of your being because the world might not recognize it in you. You know. So hear my words: Continue reading “Dear Childless Mama”