10 Weeks Yesterday

Week 9 was not fun. It started with me throwing up just before I opened the door to start my day, ironically, the day after I wrote that my brain was stronger than my stomach. I was wrong. I’m not too proud to admit it. Week 9 also ended with me throwing up. Once on Friday night, followed by me sobbing about having to eat supper all over again at 9:30pm when I was just too tired to do anything, then again Sunday afternoon, when I discovered that rice has got to be one of the worst things to throw up.

But week 9 is OVER! I made it, and even though I lost a few battles, I’m going to count it as a win altogether.

Yesterday began week 10. It was a really productive day. I feel like I need to clarify that my definition of “productive” is QUITE different than it was when I was not pregnant, though. For example, on Saturday, I had some pretty lofty goals. I was going to help my sister build a bookcase, build two small toy box benches, and put our basement back together – it’s been a mess for over a month while we had some work done. Jamin was at the Iowa football game, so I could just work like crazy, and I would have, but I’m pregnant. I would have easily accomplished everything on my to-do list 2 months ago, but alas.

I would work for maybe two hours, then I had to take a break and eat something. The only thing I finished was the bookcase construction. I got most of the pieces cut for the toy boxes,  but I just didn’t have anything left in me.

The basement is still a bit of a mess, but, yesterday, I finished to toy boxes! Did it take me all day? Yes. Would I have finished them in just a couple hours if I wasn’t pregnant? Yes, but I finished them, dang it! I’m learning I just need to expect a little less of myself for the time being, and that’s okay.

His Peace Wins

About a week ago I was walking down the stairs to my basement and I said, “Jesus, thank you that I am so full of peace right now.”

I wasn’t doing any sort of self examination or anything. The thought just came to my mind, so I said it out loud.

After I said it, I started doing some reflection. Continue reading “His Peace Wins”

9 Weeks Tomorrow

I can’t lie. When they told me I was only 8 weeks along last week, I was disappointed because pregnancy has been rough, and that meant I had at least another month of the really hard stuff. And I know that some people would say, “you should just be grateful you can even get pregnant” or “a lot of people would love to feel sick knowing they were having a baby.” But can I just say this? If I were a billionaire with constant explosive diarrhea, I should be allowed to complain about my diarrhea every now and then, and it wouldn’t take away from the fact that it’s still nice being a billionaire. I feel like it’s the same with pregnancy. I should be able to complain a little bit about feeling nauseous almost all day and being crazy tired without it taking away from the fact that, yes, it is cool that I’m growing a human. The miracle of pregnancy is not lost on me.

I wasn’t sick during the first trimester at all with Leeland, but I was sick every day after the first trimester. That sickness was different, though. I could manage it as long as I ate something every 5 minutes. This time around I haven’t really been able to find anything that helps consistently. I’m sure the only reason I haven’t puked is because I am willing myself not to. My brain is stronger than my stomach! And I have food aversion this time around. Never had that with Leeland, either. Most of my favorite foods are totally off limits and others are touch and go depending on the day. Chocolate is pretty repulsive to me right now, and pizza has only been successful once. I’ve had vegetables twice in the last 3 weeks! How sad is that?!

I’ve been dreaming WAY more frequently than usual. I’ve had one dream that the baby was a boy and two that it was a girl and also a dream that I was a black woman. In one dream, I named her Amy. My sister says she is “team Amy Jr 2019,” and I think that infiltrated my dream.

Being pregnant with Leeland taught us how to live day to day out of necessity. We just didn’t know which one would be our last, so it was hard to look beyond the day we were living. It’s another reason I am thankful for him and his life. Because I have found myself doing that, but not because I have to. I am expecting that we will make it full term with a healthy baby, but I want to live day to day, too.  I don’t want to take it for granted and rush through these weeks just because I feel like junk. There is something freeing about just living in today. I’ve found myself imagining what life will be like a year from now, and that’s okay, too, but I really like being able to be right where I am without letting fear or impatience take me to a day that hasn’t even come.

It Happened

It’s almost been 5 years since we found out I was pregnant with Leeland. Carrying him and losing him..it was all so much. He changed us forever. He was followed by years of grieving and trying to figure out what happened to my body, and we had found ourselves in a place where we were content with whatever happened. If we had another baby, great. If I never got pregnant again, that would be okay, too.

People asked often, “How do you feel about getting pregnant again someday?”

I could only imagine what I would feel if that day ever came. I knew it would be more than just joy. It’s so much more complex for us. I imagined pain, bittersweet memories, being taken back in time to when it was Leeland kicking me from the inside. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I wanted a long time ago. I knew I would need that if the time ever came.

What I imagined was just a sliver of what I felt when I gazed upon this 3 weeks ago: Continue reading “It Happened”

Success

Man, I’ve done a super crappy job of writing lately, but I’m okay with a little failure here because I’ve had really good success in other places in my life.

Jamin and I have never been great at reading the Bible and praying together consistently, so last June we decided we were going to try to get into the habit of it. We read one chapter every night and made a list of 11 things that we would pray for and, as one was answered, we would add another to the list. Because we have always struggled to get into a routine, one of the first things we prayed was that we would be able to stick with it for one month. Here we are a year later, and we’ve kept up with it with the exception of one night. There have definitely been nights where it would have been easier to just skip it and go to bed, but we haven’t done that. I’m most proud of us because we’ve done quite a bit of traveling in the last year and those were the times that we would fall off the wagon in the past, but we managed to carve out the time.

And I’ve been working out more regularly. I’ve struggled to work out consistently for a few years, and it’s been frustrating. We live in a small town and always had to drive at least 20 minutes to get to a gym, so it was easy for me to make an excuse at the end of the day to not make that drive. But I have access to a gym now, and it’s only a 3 minute drive! I’ve been waking up at 5 in the morning, which is really horrible, but also really effective. I get my workout done, so I don’t have to worry about evening plans interfering, and I am way more productive with my mornings. I go to the gym and take my dog for a walk all before work, so any activity in the evening is just a bonus. I’ve been feeling better and have been way more confident.

Maybe now I’ll get some consistency back with writing. We’ll just have to wait and see.

27

I turned 27 today. It seems crazy to me, so I can only imagine how crazy it must seem for my parents.

In our house, we like to celebrate birthdays for a whole weekend, and President’s Day made for a THREE DAY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! We had so much fun.

On Saturday, we decided to go to a nearby “ski resort.” I say that loosely because Continue reading “27”