Week 12: The Good, The Bad, and The Better

Pregnancy is already an emotional roller coaster, but, man, the last week has been a lot.

Week 11 began with me still scrambling to find a local doctor who would be willing to do shared care with my doctors in Iowa City. Bonnie at UIHC is an angel. She works in release of information, and I emailed her about 8 times asking her to send my records all over the place, and she did it right away!

As I called every provider in the area, I braced myself for a lot of rejection.

Then the black Friday ads came out. I don’t care about shopping, but I love a good deal. Jamin is all about finding the good deals on black Friday. We aren’t crazy, though. We go out when it’s convenient for us and if the deals are still there, great! As I scanned the ads, I saw something.

I don’t always think about the life growing in me (maybe that’s terrible, but it’s true). Most of the time, I’m just trying not to throw up. But sometimes I think about this baby and what life will look like and all the things we will need. I enjoy researching products. I don’t like to spend my money, so if I have to, I want to make sure I am getting a great product. One day, that led me to researching car seats. I had decided what the best one was, but it was over $300!

So when I saw it on sale for 50% off at Target for black Friday, I knew I wanted to get it.

But then the enemy came whispering in my ear like he does so often. You might not know, but he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He’s not a nice guy. He’s a real butt hole, and when I first saw that car seat, he tried to make me ignore it.

“How do you even know you’ll need that?”

“You are at high risk for miscarriage, and you’re not out of the clear yet.”

“Don’t tell Jamin. He’ll want to get it, too. You know the terrible ways that pregnancy can end. You really want to be stuck with a car seat if it comes to that?”

“Isn’t it a little too soon to be making plans?”

What I’ve learned, though, is the best way to shut him up is to do exactly what he says not to, so I told Jamin, and he said we should try to get it, and the enemy lost that battle.

But as we made our game plan for getting the doorbuster car seat, those whispers came back. There were a couple times that I thought about saying, “let’s just forget about it.”

It was out of stock at the first store we checked. Then it was out of stock at the second one, even though their inventory showed they had two left. In my desperation to get it half off, I even checked the stores in Vegas (my brother couldn’t believe I was going to send him on a car seat run – and I would have if they hadn’t been out of stock EVERYWHERE). I checked in Arkansas and Tennessee where my brother and my dad live, and it was out of stock there, too.

We came up empty handed by the time Saturday came along (aside from the TV we bought that barely fit in our car, but that’s a story for another time). In one final attempt to snag the doorbuster deal, I checked where in the entire country this was in stock, and it showed Sioux City, Iowa, which just so happens to be where my best friend since childhood lives! She got there just as they were unpacking a new shipment in the baby aisle, and sent me a picture to see if it was the one I wanted. IT WAS!!!!! We got the freaking car seat!

Later that night I got a message from Melissa, the woman who photographed Leeland’s birth, congratulating us on my pregnancy. I had been wanting to get in touch with her because Jamin and I decided after we had Leeland that, if I ever got pregnant again, we wanted her to photograph the birth, and she said she would! I am so excited to have her with us again.

On Sunday, I felt like crap. I was exhausted, had a headache, and felt like I could throw up all day. I took a 3.5 hour nap and still didn’t feel better. It was probably the worst I have felt so far. I was just glad that I didn’t have to work that day.

Then yesterday. Ohhhhh, yesterday.

Yesterday was rough. I felt nauseous all day, and I got my first rejection call from a doctor. I gotta say, I don’t know if there is anything that makes you feel like something is wrong with you more than a doctor saying they don’t want to take on your case.

I have also been eating Greek yogurt for breakfast every day for the last month and a half, but, yesterday, my gag reflexes decided it was too thick for me to eat anymore. I only ate half. And I noticed that this bad taste I’ve had in my mouth for a while was getting worse. Any time there isn’t food in my mouth it tastes horrible. Brushing my teeth doesn’t help. Swishing mouth wash helps just long enough for me to go to sleep at night.

But last night I woke up twice and had to drink some water because my mouth tasted so bad!

That brings us to today.

I have felt physically horrible today. This nausea usually comes and goes throughout the day, but it has been constant today. I tried yogurt again this morning, hoping that yesterday was just a fluke. It was not. And that stupid bad taste is still in my mouth,

BUT…

I got TWO calls today from TWO local doctors saying that they would see me! One could fit me in as early as tomorrow! Thank you, Jesus!

I was really hoping that week 12 would bring a little relief from symptoms, but instead it brought me a doctor, so I guess I’ll take that for now.

His Peace Wins

About a week ago I was walking down the stairs to my basement and I said, “Jesus, thank you that I am so full of peace right now.”

I wasn’t doing any sort of self examination or anything. The thought just came to my mind, so I said it out loud.

After I said it, I started doing some reflection. Continue reading “His Peace Wins”

9 Weeks Tomorrow

I can’t lie. When they told me I was only 8 weeks along last week, I was disappointed because pregnancy has been rough, and that meant I had at least another month of the really hard stuff. And I know that some people would say, “you should just be grateful you can even get pregnant” or “a lot of people would love to feel sick knowing they were having a baby.” But can I just say this? If I were a billionaire with constant explosive diarrhea, I should be allowed to complain about my diarrhea every now and then, and it wouldn’t take away from the fact that it’s still nice being a billionaire. I feel like it’s the same with pregnancy. I should be able to complain a little bit about feeling nauseous almost all day and being crazy tired without it taking away from the fact that, yes, it is cool that I’m growing a human. The miracle of pregnancy is not lost on me.

I wasn’t sick during the first trimester at all with Leeland, but I was sick every day after the first trimester. That sickness was different, though. I could manage it as long as I ate something every 5 minutes. This time around I haven’t really been able to find anything that helps consistently. I’m sure the only reason I haven’t puked is because I am willing myself not to. My brain is stronger than my stomach! And I have food aversion this time around. Never had that with Leeland, either. Most of my favorite foods are totally off limits and others are touch and go depending on the day. Chocolate is pretty repulsive to me right now, and pizza has only been successful once. I’ve had vegetables twice in the last 3 weeks! How sad is that?!

I’ve been dreaming WAY more frequently than usual. I’ve had one dream that the baby was a boy and two that it was a girl and also a dream that I was a black woman. In one dream, I named her Amy. My sister says she is “team Amy Jr 2019,” and I think that infiltrated my dream.

Being pregnant with Leeland taught us how to live day to day out of necessity. We just didn’t know which one would be our last, so it was hard to look beyond the day we were living. It’s another reason I am thankful for him and his life. Because I have found myself doing that, but not because I have to. I am expecting that we will make it full term with a healthy baby, but I want to live day to day, too.  I don’t want to take it for granted and rush through these weeks just because I feel like junk. There is something freeing about just living in today. I’ve found myself imagining what life will be like a year from now, and that’s okay, too, but I really like being able to be right where I am without letting fear or impatience take me to a day that hasn’t even come.