You Would be Two Today

Oh, Leeland. You would be turning two today. How can that be?

It seems like no time has passed since the day you were born, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. Time is a strange thing.

I miss you every day, sweet boy, and I wonder what you would be like.

Happy birthday. Today probably doesn’t mean much to you, baby boy. It’s just another piece of your eternity, but while you’re kneeling before our King, I still think of you on this day.

I love you.

 

I Wasn’t Ready

Everything got really real on this day two years ago.

I was almost 32 weeks pregnant.

We were doing life on a daily basis and had been for a few months by then. Leeland wasn’t supposed to live beyond the 20 week mark, but he had.

I was about to leave work when I felt something. It felt like I had Continue reading “I Wasn’t Ready”

I’m Forgetting

I have been in a bit of a funk for the last couple weeks, and I just couldn’t figure out why, but tonight I realized it’s because I’m beginning to forget.

It’s too soon. June 6th marks two years since we held our son for the first and last time. That doesn’t seem possible. I can’t believe we’ve been without him for so long..

I remember a lot from my pregnancy, most of it, actually, but I am forgetting things from that day.

I’m forgetting what his skin felt like and how it felt to press my thumb into his tiny hand.

I’m forgetting, and I hate it. I want to remember every tiny detail, and I don’t just want to remember them with my mind.

I want to remember them with my eyes and ears and skin. I want to remember them like it didn’t end, but I can’t.

Today I am forgetting some things, but knowing that I will never forget him.

Today I am really missing our boy.

The Way Life Doesn’t Stop

Sometimes I forget how much time has passed in my life. I use major events to act as markers of time, and it helps me to keep track. When I really sit back and think about those markers, though, it is a bit startling. I consider where I was at that moment and where I am now, and I don’t like that, although it’s been years in some cases, it feels like yesterday. Because life has kept going, and sometimes Continue reading “The Way Life Doesn’t Stop”

Life: The Post Baby Body

Writing about my life in regards to my son is easy and difficult all at the same time. The words come easy, so it makes for a quick post, and it helps me to gain perspective on things to put everything down on (virtual) paper. But then the emotions flood in, and it hurts a little…sometimes a lot. I won’t shy away from it, though. I’ve decided I will write about all parts of life, and I feel like, today, this is my story.

The doctors first discovered something was not quite right after Continue reading “Life: The Post Baby Body”

Life: When There Are No Words – These Are Enough

In the last month, my husband and I have decided we would begin to try to get pregnant. And as I sit here thinking about a baby in the future, I am thinking of another.

It was about this time two years ago that we conceived our first, but it wasn’t until months later that we discovered Continue reading “Life: When There Are No Words – These Are Enough”