I can’t lie. When they told me I was only 8 weeks along last week, I was disappointed because pregnancy has been rough, and that meant I had at least another month of the really hard stuff. And I know that some people would say, “you should just be grateful you can even get pregnant” or “a lot of people would love to feel sick knowing they were having a baby.” But can I just say this? If I were a billionaire with constant explosive diarrhea, I should be allowed to complain about my diarrhea every now and then, and it wouldn’t take away from the fact that it’s still nice being a billionaire. I feel like it’s the same with pregnancy. I should be able to complain a little bit about feeling nauseous almost all day and being crazy tired without it taking away from the fact that, yes, it is cool that I’m growing a human. The miracle of pregnancy is not lost on me.
I wasn’t sick during the first trimester at all with Leeland, but I was sick every day after the first trimester. That sickness was different, though. I could manage it as long as I ate something every 5 minutes. This time around I haven’t really been able to find anything that helps consistently. I’m sure the only reason I haven’t puked is because I am willing myself not to. My brain is stronger than my stomach! And I have food aversion this time around. Never had that with Leeland, either. Most of my favorite foods are totally off limits and others are touch and go depending on the day. Chocolate is pretty repulsive to me right now, and pizza has only been successful once. I’ve had vegetables twice in the last 3 weeks! How sad is that?!
I’ve been dreaming WAY more frequently than usual. I’ve had one dream that the baby was a boy and two that it was a girl and also a dream that I was a black woman. In one dream, I named her Amy. My sister says she is “team Amy Jr 2019,” and I think that infiltrated my dream.
Being pregnant with Leeland taught us how to live day to day out of necessity. We just didn’t know which one would be our last, so it was hard to look beyond the day we were living. It’s another reason I am thankful for him and his life. Because I have found myself doing that, but not because I have to. I am expecting that we will make it full term with a healthy baby, but I want to live day to day, too. I don’t want to take it for granted and rush through these weeks just because I feel like junk. There is something freeing about just living in today. I’ve found myself imagining what life will be like a year from now, and that’s okay, too, but I really like being able to be right where I am without letting fear or impatience take me to a day that hasn’t even come.
There are lots of things in this world that I really hate, but wasting money is probably in my top ten. I hate spending money that I don’t need to spend. I don’t like paying someone to do something that I could do myself (unless I really don’t want take the time to do it, but who hasn’t been there?). It’s why I taught myself how to sew. It’s why I found copycat recipes of my favorite meals at my favorite restaurants and have nearly perfected them.
And it’s why I took apart my washing machine last week. Continue reading “I Took It Apart!”
I can’t believe it’s already been a month and a half since I had my surgery! I also can’t believe I haven’t written in over a month. I really need to get back into the swing of things.
Anyway, today is mostly a physical update, which might be too much information for some people, but if you are a woman, know a woman, or ever will know a woman, I think it’s good to know what goes on. I’m going to write an update on how I’ve been doing emotionally this weekend. Continue reading “I Think It Worked”
The internet can give us the illusion that everyone else has their lives together, and we are the only ones that struggle with anything. It’s easy to put our best foot forward and hide our other foot, but in an attempt to remove any illusion I may have created, I present exhibits A & B:
“What is that,” you may ask.
Well, that is bird poop on that vent and on my windshield. I blogged about the day a bird did that MONTHS ago.
And I still haven’t cleaned it!
So if you think you are the only one who lets things go for way too long before cleaning them, know that I’m right there with you.
I’ve been fascinated by the idea of a tiny house ever since I first heard about them. I know my husband couldn’t live full time in one of them, but he says it would be cool to have one as a camper of sorts. Maybe we will have one some day, but if not, that’s okay, too.
We don’t have a big house – it’s just shy of 1,000 sq ft – so I like to keep it organized. My rule is everything needs a home or it can’t stay, and it has worked really well so far. Lately, though, I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed at the number of material items I’m responsible for. Continue reading “Working”
My heart has been restless lately.
I’ve been trying to do too much with too little time and I haven’t been taking time to just be still with the Lord. Even my time with Him has had some sort of agenda. So tonight is just going to be me spilling my heart out on these (virtual) pages so that I can look back here in a month and see how God used this time. Because He always finds a way.
I still have so many mixed emotions about what the doctor told us 2 weeks ago. I don’t feel excited about getting pregnant again…at least not right now. And I don’t know if I will be excited if/when it comes. Pregnancy for me the first time was bittersweet. I am not scared that we will lose another child, I just know that if there is a next time it’s going to be really hard, and that doesn’t excite me. Continue reading “My Heart Tonight”
Life can seem like a lot of waiting. I find myself in yet another season of waiting as I take these birth control pills in hopes of getting my body back on a regular cycle.
Sometimes I get impatient, but I am reminded that the Lord teaches me a lot in my waiting, and I’m reminded that He knows what He’s doing.
It’s comforting to know that God is bigger than I could ever imagine. Even though I am able to shrink Him down to what my brain can understand at times, He doesn’t ever actually shrink. He is forever and has been forever.
He is in, around, and outside of time, and, while our times of waiting can seem like an eternity to us, they don’t feel that way to Him. Our times of waiting never feel like waiting to God because He is the author of our stories. He knows that everything will happen in its time. Our times of waiting are more times of anticipation for Him because He knows what will come next; He knows the plans He has for us.
The key is getting my view to shift to be more like His. Rather than becoming impatient because of another season of waiting, I want to allow great anticipation to rise up at the thought of what is to come.
Help me do that, Jesus.
God rocked me a bit last night during our small group prayer time.
Have you ever felt God soften your heart? I go through seasons of having a harder heart than I would like because I don’t give enough time to pursuing my relationship with Jesus. I think we all do, and I’ve become very familiar with the process of having life put back into my heart.
It’s almost like Continue reading “What Fills the Hole?”