32 Weeks Tomorrow

31 weeks and 6 days was as far as we got when I was pregnant with Leeland, so tomorrow we enter uncharted territory. I can hardly believe it! In the last few weeks, we made our registry at Target, had a baby shower, painted the baby room, set up the crib, and picked a name – Finley Isaiah.

Time has been moving quickly lately. I imagine it’s because I feel mostly good most of the time. I’ve started having a hard time getting comfortable to sleep at night, I have heart burn pretty frequently, and my back is sore sometimes, but beyond that, I still feel good.

This pregnancy has been so different than what I thought it would be. I imagined I would cry every day thinking of Leeland, but I haven’t. I have had days where I’ve cried missing him, but it’s not every day.

I think one of the hardest things about loss is the forgetting. I was thinking about my sister a while ago, and I realized I don’t remember her voice at all anymore. I can’t remember her laugh or the way she walked. I wish we had the technology back then to take videos on our phones any time. I could have captured those things.

Our time with Leeland was so short. He was only alive in my belly. I thought I would be so sad when I got pregnant again, but carrying his brother has been a gift of remembering for me. Sometimes I close my eyes with my hands on my belly and just go back in time for a moment. I didn’t even realize until Finley started being wiggly that I had forgotten what it felt like when Leeland moved in my body. Finley sits differently and moves differently than Leeland most of the time, but sometimes I get a sweet glimpse of when his big brother was still alive, and I am so thankful for those moments.

We have another appointment in Iowa City this week to see how the placenta is looking. At our last appointment, my doctor wasn’t worried about it implanting too deeply anymore and Finley is looking great, but my placenta was closer to my cervix than he was comfortable with, so he will be checking to see if it has moved out of the way. Worst case scenario would be a C-section in a few weeks if it doesn’t move out of the way, but we are praying that it’s moved, and I’ll be able to deliver naturally at full term.

We’ve getting excited to meet our boy!

 

It Happened

It’s almost been 5 years since we found out I was pregnant with Leeland. Carrying him and losing him..it was all so much. He changed us forever. He was followed by years of grieving and trying to figure out what happened to my body, and we had found ourselves in a place where we were content with whatever happened. If we had another baby, great. If I never got pregnant again, that would be okay, too.

People asked often, “How do you feel about getting pregnant again someday?”

I could only imagine what I would feel if that day ever came. I knew it would be more than just joy. It’s so much more complex for us. I imagined pain, bittersweet memories, being taken back in time to when it was Leeland kicking me from the inside. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I wanted a long time ago. I knew I would need that if the time ever came.

What I imagined was just a sliver of what I felt when I gazed upon this 3 weeks ago: Continue reading “It Happened”

Oceans

I listened to Oceans for the first time in a while a couple days ago. Every time I hear it I think back to when it first came out towards the end of 2013. I loved it immediately. The bridge goes like this: Continue reading “Oceans”

Good News From the Doctor

My doctor called on Friday to talk about the results of my HSG test. He, along with the PA who gave us the immediate results, was very surprised that my right fallopian tube was open. When they finished the surgery back in February, they couldn’t see the opening of it at all, so they were convinced it would be blocked, but it wasn’t!

He asked what we wanted to do, and I told him that our biggest goal in all of this was for me to be healthy, and I feel like we are finally there – or as close to there as we will be for now. My body is having cycles without any hormonal assistance, and now we know that both tubes are open. There is healthy tissue on the left side of my uterus, and there is somewhat of of healthy tissue on the right side that leads straight to the open tube. Continue reading “Good News From the Doctor”

He is Still Good Three Years Later

Gosh, it is so hard to wrap my head around this day, and I’m sure it will be just as hard in 15 years and in 40 years.

Today, Leeland would have been 3 years old. I still remember a lot from that day. I remember 3 years ago, close to this time, we were returning home from the University of Iowa Hospital with one less person than we had left with. Continue reading “He is Still Good Three Years Later”

Celebrating This Weird Thing

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe this has really been my life – that I’ve actually gone through all of these experiences. Twenty-six years isn’t much, but those years have been filled with a lot of life.

Here I am, coming to the end of the first period I’ve had in 3 years. It’s so strange.

At the beginning of the week, I told many of my friends about it, and they all responded with excitement. They know what our story has been. They know the grief and the heartache we’ve endured, so they know what this means for us. This means opportunity for us that we thought was gone, so they were all excited. Continue reading “Celebrating This Weird Thing”

I Think It Worked

I can’t believe it’s already been a month and a half since I had my surgery! I also can’t believe I haven’t written in over a month. I really need to get back into the swing of things.

Anyway, today is mostly a physical update, which might be too much information for some people, but if you are a woman, know a woman, or ever will know a woman, I think it’s good to know what goes on. I’m going to write an update on how I’ve been doing emotionally this weekend. Continue reading “I Think It Worked”

You Would be Two Today

Oh, Leeland. You would be turning two today. How can that be?

It seems like no time has passed since the day you were born, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. Time is a strange thing.

I miss you every day, sweet boy, and I wonder what you would be like.

Happy birthday. Today probably doesn’t mean much to you, baby boy. It’s just another pieceĀ of your eternity, but while you’re kneelingĀ before our King, I still think of you on this day.

I love you.