I Didn’t Think I Would Get To

I was rocking our 10 month old (WHAT?!) before bed a few days ago. He had been sick with bronchiolitis and needed extra snuggles.

As we sat in his dark room, quietly rocking back and forth, he held my finger with his sweet little hand like he does quite often, and I started getting teary eyed.

The gift of his life is not lost on me, and, I hope, never will be. Losing his brother, holding my son that I never got to see smile or sit or crawl or anything else that Finley will eventually do, has given me an appreciation for everything we do have with Finley. And I will often close my eyes in moments like that night and just be. Just soak it in. Commit it to the depths of my memory, where I will have it forever.

That night, I closed my eyes and let that moment sink deep into me, and I was overwhelmed. I replayed the many other moments that I had already tucked away, and it was all too much.

We wanted another baby, but, after waiting so long, had accepted that it may never happen. We would be okay no matter what.

Raising a baby is exhausting and emotionally taxing and wonderful.

I didn’t think I would ever get to be woken up by a baby 4 times in the night. I didn’t think I would ever get to hear my own baby cry. I didn’t think I would get to reach a level of exhaustion that I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t think I would get to feel my baby’s cheek against mine. I didn’t think I would get to hear my baby make those sweet newborn sounds or let out a belly laugh or let out a deafening cry. I didn’t think I would get to stare into my baby’s eyes and forget everything else around us. I didn’t think I would get to be peed on and pooped on by my own baby. I didn’t think I would get feel my baby’s soft, smooth skin. I didn’t think that I would get to know what it’s like to get nothing done because someone else needed me so much. I didn’t think I would get to kiss my baby’s slobbery lips. I didn’t think I would get to take thousands of pictures of my baby. I didn’t think I would get see my baby light up when I walked in a room. I didn’t think I would get to nurse my baby. I didn’t think I would get to rock my sick baby to sleep while he squeezed my finger.

But there I was. Here I am. I get to do every one of those things and more.

And as I listed everything I could think of while he held my finger, I cried tears of gratitude. What a gift it is to be this tired. What a gift it is to be this needed – even when it feels like more than I can give. What a gift it is to be his mom.

Thank you, Jesus.

 

His Peace Wins

About a week ago I was walking down the stairs to my basement and I said, “Jesus, thank you that I am so full of peace right now.”

I wasn’t doing any sort of self examination or anything. The thought just came to my mind, so I said it out loud.

After I said it, I started doing some reflection. Continue reading “His Peace Wins”

Dear Childless Mama

Dear Childless Mama,

You know who you are. Whether you are like me and your child was taken from your arms by that nasty thing called death or miscarriage robbed you of that baby in your arms, or that adoption you so eagerly awaited fell through, or infertility has, it seems, built walls around you, so you can’t conceive, or you are still single and wondering if you’ll ever get to build a family with someone – you know who you are, and when I say, “Dear Childless Mama,” you know I’m talking to you. Even if you’ll only call yourself a mom in the depths of your being because the world might not recognize it in you. You know. So hear my words: Continue reading “Dear Childless Mama”

Oceans

I listened to Oceans for the first time in a while a couple days ago. Every time I hear it I think back to when it first came out towards the end of 2013. I loved it immediately. The bridge goes like this: Continue reading “Oceans”

For He Know the Plans

Jamin and I have been reading one chapter in the Bible, discussing it, and praying over a list of what started out as eleven items and has turned into something a bit larger every day for almost 3 months. It has been so good for us. For a long time, we weren’t good at consistently praying and reading together, and I think it is so important in keeping God the center of a marriage.

We’ve been in Jeremiah for about a month now, and recently came across a verse that anyone who grew up in the church has probably heard. It’s the go-to verse to write on high school graduation cards. Continue reading “For He Know the Plans”

New Orleans Part 3: Our School at Blair Grocery

Part 1 HERE & Part 2 HERE

Wednesday and Thursday (June 14 & 15) brought our group to the lower 9th ward to a place called Our School at Blair Grocery. A former New York City teacher moved to the area about 10 years ago and purchased a bunch of vacant lots and an old grocery store to start an urban garden as a means of getting kids off the street and giving them something productive to do in the summers, while improving their health at the same time.

When we got there on Wednesday, Turner (the former teacher), showed us around. Some of the students worked with him to sort through the fruit and vegetables for the compost pile. Every day he gets a load of food from a grocery store that they would normally throw out. Some of it has gone bad and goes straight to the compost pile, some of it goes to the goats (if they like it, because goats are surprisingly picky), and the fruit that is still good gets eaten by Turner and the kids in the neighborhood. Sometimes that is all they will eat in a day. Continue reading “New Orleans Part 3: Our School at Blair Grocery”

Good News From the Doctor

My doctor called on Friday to talk about the results of my HSG test. He, along with the PA who gave us the immediate results, was very surprised that my right fallopian tube was open. When they finished the surgery back in February, they couldn’t see the opening of it at all, so they were convinced it would be blocked, but it wasn’t!

He asked what we wanted to do, and I told him that our biggest goal in all of this was for me to be healthy, and I feel like we are finally there – or as close to there as we will be for now. My body is having cycles without any hormonal assistance, and now we know that both tubes are open. There is healthy tissue on the left side of my uterus, and there is somewhat of of healthy tissue on the right side that leads straight to the open tube. Continue reading “Good News From the Doctor”