19 Weeks and Weird Dreams

Monday was the 19 week mark for this pregnancy. Only two more weeks until we find out the gender of the baby!

My 20 year old sister asked if we would tell her first. I told her, “probably not,” so she asked if I would make a puzzle or something for her to figure out. Naturally, I went to work seeing if I could find some puzzle safe with a secret code to put a note in, but I decided I didn’t want to spend any money, so I made a cryptex safe out of cardboard and popsicle sticks. It’s pretty sweet. Unfortunately, making the elaborate puzzle for her means we won’t be making a public statement about what we are having until she figures out the code for it.

I’ve dreamt of having the baby twice. I never had vivid dreams like this with Leeland, and I don’t remember most of my dreams when I’m not pregnant, so it’s strange to wake up and remember almost every detail of all my dreams. In this dream, I went into labor and we knew we wouldn’t make it to the hospital in Iowa City, so we stopped at some small town hospital. There was green shag carpet in every room, and I was really concerned about the cleanliness of it. We had a girl and I remember naming her Emie, then I was really upset because I realized I wouldn’t know who people were talking to for the rest of my life because it is so close to my name – and that’s not even a name on our radar. The doctor weighed her and she weighed 4 pounds, and I was mad again because we are skipping the infant car seat and have a convertible one that can hold babies as little as 5 pounds. I couldn’t believe we would have to buy an infant for just a couple weeks of use!

Some of my dreams have been hilarious and fun like the one where my brother found an orphaned kitten. I asked him to let me raise it because I would do a better job than him. When he brought it over, though, it was NOT a kitten. It was a baby gorilla, and I begged him to let me keep it because I’ve wanted to have a baby gorilla since I was little.

Other dreams have been stressful or even scary, but, thankfully, those don’t happen too often.

I think I’ve felt a couple tiny flutters of the baby moving, but they are so infrequent it’s hard to know for sure. I expect they will be happening more and more soon enough because I remember I was about 19 weeks when I first felt Leeland move.

Oh, and we purchased what will be our diaper bag! I’m pretty excited about it; I’ll write more about it later.

His Peace Wins

About a week ago I was walking down the stairs to my basement and I said, “Jesus, thank you that I am so full of peace right now.”

I wasn’t doing any sort of self examination or anything. The thought just came to my mind, so I said it out loud.

After I said it, I started doing some reflection. Continue reading “His Peace Wins”

9 Weeks Tomorrow

I can’t lie. When they told me I was only 8 weeks along last week, I was disappointed because pregnancy has been rough, and that meant I had at least another month of the really hard stuff. And I know that some people would say, “you should just be grateful you can even get pregnant” or “a lot of people would love to feel sick knowing they were having a baby.” But can I just say this? If I were a billionaire with constant explosive diarrhea, I should be allowed to complain about my diarrhea every now and then, and it wouldn’t take away from the fact that it’s still nice being a billionaire. I feel like it’s the same with pregnancy. I should be able to complain a little bit about feeling nauseous almost all day and being crazy tired without it taking away from the fact that, yes, it is cool that I’m growing a human. The miracle of pregnancy is not lost on me.

I wasn’t sick during the first trimester at all with Leeland, but I was sick every day after the first trimester. That sickness was different, though. I could manage it as long as I ate something every 5 minutes. This time around I haven’t really been able to find anything that helps consistently. I’m sure the only reason I haven’t puked is because I am willing myself not to. My brain is stronger than my stomach! And I have food aversion this time around. Never had that with Leeland, either. Most of my favorite foods are totally off limits and others are touch and go depending on the day. Chocolate is pretty repulsive to me right now, and pizza has only been successful once. I’ve had vegetables twice in the last 3 weeks! How sad is that?!

I’ve been dreaming WAY more frequently than usual. I’ve had one dream that the baby was a boy and two that it was a girl and also a dream that I was a black woman. In one dream, I named her Amy. My sister says she is “team Amy Jr 2019,” and I think that infiltrated my dream.

Being pregnant with Leeland taught us how to live day to day out of necessity. We just didn’t know which one would be our last, so it was hard to look beyond the day we were living. It’s another reason I am thankful for him and his life. Because I have found myself doing that, but not because I have to. I am expecting that we will make it full term with a healthy baby, but I want to live day to day, too.  I don’t want to take it for granted and rush through these weeks just because I feel like junk. There is something freeing about just living in today. I’ve found myself imagining what life will be like a year from now, and that’s okay, too, but I really like being able to be right where I am without letting fear or impatience take me to a day that hasn’t even come.

27

I turned 27 today. It seems crazy to me, so I can only imagine how crazy it must seem for my parents.

In our house, we like to celebrate birthdays for a whole weekend, and President’s Day made for a THREE DAY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! We had so much fun.

On Saturday, we decided to go to a nearby “ski resort.” I say that loosely because Continue reading “27”

Celebrating This Weird Thing

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe this has really been my life – that I’ve actually gone through all of these experiences. Twenty-six years isn’t much, but those years have been filled with a lot of life.

Here I am, coming to the end of the first period I’ve had in 3 years. It’s so strange.

At the beginning of the week, I told many of my friends about it, and they all responded with excitement. They know what our story has been. They know the grief and the heartache we’ve endured, so they know what this means for us. This means opportunity for us that we thought was gone, so they were all excited. Continue reading “Celebrating This Weird Thing”

I Think It Worked

I can’t believe it’s already been a month and a half since I had my surgery! I also can’t believe I haven’t written in over a month. I really need to get back into the swing of things.

Anyway, today is mostly a physical update, which might be too much information for some people, but if you are a woman, know a woman, or ever will know a woman, I think it’s good to know what goes on. I’m going to write an update on how I’ve been doing emotionally this weekend. Continue reading “I Think It Worked”

Recovery

Hyteroscopic lysis of adhesions (you can see the adhesions in the picture). That’s what my doctor did yesterday.

We arrived at the hospital around 10:30 and I believe I went in to surgery around 11:30. Everything went well in regards to removing the scar tissue. I didn’t bleed excessively (which was a concern of the doctors considering my diagnosis of Von Willebrand’s Disease). The doctor did find that there was significantly more scar tissue than the original ultrasound showed. During that ultrasound they tried to inject fluid into my uterus so they could see how widespread the scarring was, but since the opening was scarred shut, they couldn’t get any fluid in, making it difficult to know for sure how much scarring was present. The entire right side of my uterus was covered in scar tissue. Continue reading “Recovery”