I Didn’t Think I Would Get To

I was rocking our 10 month old (WHAT?!) before bed a few days ago. He had been sick with bronchiolitis and needed extra snuggles.

As we sat in his dark room, quietly rocking back and forth, he held my finger with his sweet little hand like he does quite often, and I started getting teary eyed.

The gift of his life is not lost on me, and, I hope, never will be. Losing his brother, holding my son that I never got to see smile or sit or crawl or anything else that Finley will eventually do, has given me an appreciation for everything we do have with Finley. And I will often close my eyes in moments like that night and just be. Just soak it in. Commit it to the depths of my memory, where I will have it forever.

That night, I closed my eyes and let that moment sink deep into me, and I was overwhelmed. I replayed the many other moments that I had already tucked away, and it was all too much.

We wanted another baby, but, after waiting so long, had accepted that it may never happen. We would be okay no matter what.

Raising a baby is exhausting and emotionally taxing and wonderful.

I didn’t think I would ever get to be woken up by a baby 4 times in the night. I didn’t think I would ever get to hear my own baby cry. I didn’t think I would get to reach a level of exhaustion that I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t think I would get to feel my baby’s cheek against mine. I didn’t think I would get to hear my baby make those sweet newborn sounds or let out a belly laugh or let out a deafening cry. I didn’t think I would get to stare into my baby’s eyes and forget everything else around us. I didn’t think I would get to be peed on and pooped on by my own baby. I didn’t think I would get feel my baby’s soft, smooth skin. I didn’t think that I would get to know what it’s like to get nothing done because someone else needed me so much. I didn’t think I would get to kiss my baby’s slobbery lips. I didn’t think I would get to take thousands of pictures of my baby. I didn’t think I would get see my baby light up when I walked in a room. I didn’t think I would get to nurse my baby. I didn’t think I would get to rock my sick baby to sleep while he squeezed my finger.

But there I was. Here I am. I get to do every one of those things and more.

And as I listed everything I could think of while he held my finger, I cried tears of gratitude. What a gift it is to be this tired. What a gift it is to be this needed – even when it feels like more than I can give. What a gift it is to be his mom.

Thank you, Jesus.

 

Dear Childless Mama

Dear Childless Mama,

You know who you are. Whether you are like me and your child was taken from your arms by that nasty thing called death or miscarriage robbed you of that baby in your arms, or that adoption you so eagerly awaited fell through, or infertility has, it seems, built walls around you, so you can’t conceive, or you are still single and wondering if you’ll ever get to build a family with someone – you know who you are, and when I say, “Dear Childless Mama,” you know I’m talking to you. Even if you’ll only call yourself a mom in the depths of your being because the world might not recognize it in you. You know. So hear my words: Continue reading “Dear Childless Mama”

Celebrating This Weird Thing

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe this has really been my life – that I’ve actually gone through all of these experiences. Twenty-six years isn’t much, but those years have been filled with a lot of life.

Here I am, coming to the end of the first period I’ve had in 3 years. It’s so strange.

At the beginning of the week, I told many of my friends about it, and they all responded with excitement. They know what our story has been. They know the grief and the heartache we’ve endured, so they know what this means for us. This means opportunity for us that we thought was gone, so they were all excited. Continue reading “Celebrating This Weird Thing”

I Think It Worked

I can’t believe it’s already been a month and a half since I had my surgery! I also can’t believe I haven’t written in over a month. I really need to get back into the swing of things.

Anyway, today is mostly a physical update, which might be too much information for some people, but if you are a woman, know a woman, or ever will know a woman, I think it’s good to know what goes on. I’m going to write an update on how I’ve been doing emotionally this weekend. Continue reading “I Think It Worked”

My Heart Tonight

My heart has been restless lately.

I’ve been trying to do too much with too little time and I haven’t been taking time to just be still with the Lord. Even my time with Him has had some sort of agenda. So tonight is just going to be me spilling my heart out on these (virtual) pages so that I can look back here in a month and see how God used this time. Because He always finds a way.

I still have so many mixed emotions about what the doctor told us 2 weeks ago. I don’t feel excited about getting pregnant again…at least not right now. And I don’t know if I will be excited if/when it comes. Pregnancy for me the first time was bittersweet. I am not scared that we will lose another child, I just know that if there is a next time it’s going to be really hard, and that doesn’t excite me. Continue reading “My Heart Tonight”

Answers

Our appointment on Monday finally gave us answers we have been looking for…hopefully!

Before we went to Iowa City, our doctor was thinking that I either had uterine scarring from the D&C I had after Leeland was born or a pituitary tumor the was producing too much prolactin, preventing me from having a cycle and making it impossible to get pregnant. Continue reading “Answers”

But When?

There’s this guy in the Bible named Job. He was a blameless man who feared God, so satan went to God one day, and said, “he only fears You because You’ve given him everything he could ever want. Take away his land and possessions, and he will curse You.” So God gave satan permission to take Job’s land and possessions (but satan could do nothing to Job himself), knowing that Job would not curse Him. This went on and on, and Job lost his children, land, possessions, money, and wife, but still did not curse God. So satan said, “of course Job wouldn’t curse You. You wouldn’t let me touch him.” So God told satan that Job was in his hand, but he had to spare his life, knowing that Job would still not curse Him. Satan covered Jobs body in sores from head to toe, but he still didn’t curse God. In the end of the story, everything and more was restored to Job.

I’ve been able to relate to Job a lot in my life. Right now, I feel like I am Job. Continue reading “But When?”

Sharing My Story

Yesterday I had the opportunity to share part of my testimony for a women’s event for the second time. One of my best friends recorded the whole thing, so I would be able to share it with some people who wanted to see it, and I thought the simplest way would be to add it to my blog, so here it is. I hope it encourages you.