Oceans

I listened to Oceans for the first time in a while a couple days ago. Every time I hear it I think back to when it first came out towards the end of 2013. I loved it immediately. The bridge goes like this: Continue reading “Oceans”

Good News From the Doctor

My doctor called on Friday to talk about the results of my HSG test. He, along with the PA who gave us the immediate results, was very surprised that my right fallopian tube was open. When they finished the surgery back in February, they couldn’t see the opening of it at all, so they were convinced it would be blocked, but it wasn’t!

He asked what we wanted to do, and I told him that our biggest goal in all of this was for me to be healthy, and I feel like we are finally there – or as close to there as we will be for now. My body is having cycles without any hormonal assistance, and now we know that both tubes are open. There is healthy tissue on the left side of my uterus, and there is somewhat of of healthy tissue on the right side that leads straight to the open tube. Continue reading “Good News From the Doctor”

Breaking

I was sitting on the exam table waiting for the doctor to come back in, when the tears began to fall. I spoke. Not just to myself, but out loud, so the one I hate – the one who hates me and wants to destroy me – could hear what I had to say.

“You will not steal my joy. You will not make me despair. You will not ruin my marriage. You will not destroy me. You will not make me lose hope. I will STILL proclaim the goodness of the Lord! You will not win because HE already has.”

“You will not win because He already has.”

“YOU WILL NOT WIN BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS WON THE VICTORY!”

When I got to the office and told the doctor I wasn’t Continue reading “Breaking”

I Wasn’t Ready

Everything got really real on this day two years ago.

I was almost 32 weeks pregnant.

We were doing life on a daily basis and had been for a few months by then. Leeland wasn’t supposed to live beyond the 20 week mark, but he had.

I was about to leave work when I felt something. It felt like I had Continue reading “I Wasn’t Ready”

The Sting of Mother’s Day

This is my third Mother’s Day – my second Mother’s Day to come and go without a baby in my arms (he was still in my belly for my first), but I am still a mom.

There are usually an influx of blog posts by mothers like me around this time of year. I know it can be a difficult day for so many of us.

I know there are a lot of moms and long-to-be moms out there that see this day creeping up on their calendars and wish there was a hole big enough for them to hide in for the day because all this day does is remind them Continue reading “The Sting of Mother’s Day”

I’m Forgetting

I have been in a bit of a funk for the last couple weeks, and I just couldn’t figure out why, but tonight I realized it’s because I’m beginning to forget.

It’s too soon. June 6th marks two years since we held our son for the first and last time. That doesn’t seem possible. I can’t believe we’ve been without him for so long..

I remember a lot from my pregnancy, most of it, actually, but I am forgetting things from that day.

I’m forgetting what his skin felt like and how it felt to press my thumb into his tiny hand.

I’m forgetting, and I hate it. I want to remember every tiny detail, and I don’t just want to remember them with my mind.

I want to remember them with my eyes and ears and skin. I want to remember them like it didn’t end, but I can’t.

Today I am forgetting some things, but knowing that I will never forget him.

Today I am really missing our boy.

Waiting is the Worst

Well, I’ve been off birth control for a few months now, and I’m not pregnant yet.

It doesn’t bother me. I’m still in a weird place of not wanting to get pregnant and wanting to get pregnant all at the same time. I’m still not exactly looking forward to it, but I’m also not afraid to be pregnant again. And I’m not the kind of person who will stress about timing things, so I can get pregnant immediately. I’m a pretty patient person, and I don’t usually mind having to wait for things, but there is one thing that has been bugging me.

Everyone knows that there are a few things that need to happen to make a baby, and the first thing is releasing eggs. Anyone who is a female, knows a female, has a wife, or has girlfriend with whom they even remotely communicate with knows that it happens about once a month, and that is what I’m waiting for. Continue reading “Waiting is the Worst”