His Peace Wins

About a week ago I was walking down the stairs to my basement and I said, “Jesus, thank you that I am so full of peace right now.”

I wasn’t doing any sort of self examination or anything. The thought just came to my mind, so I said it out loud.

After I said it, I started doing some reflection. Continue reading “His Peace Wins”

9 Weeks Tomorrow

I can’t lie. When they told me I was only 8 weeks along last week, I was disappointed because pregnancy has been rough, and that meant I had at least another month of the really hard stuff. And I know that some people would say, “you should just be grateful you can even get pregnant” or “a lot of people would love to feel sick knowing they were having a baby.” But can I just say this? If I were a billionaire with constant explosive diarrhea, I should be allowed to complain about my diarrhea every now and then, and it wouldn’t take away from the fact that it’s still nice being a billionaire. I feel like it’s the same with pregnancy. I should be able to complain a little bit about feeling nauseous almost all day and being crazy tired without it taking away from the fact that, yes, it is cool that I’m growing a human. The miracle of pregnancy is not lost on me.

I wasn’t sick during the first trimester at all with Leeland, but I was sick every day after the first trimester. That sickness was different, though. I could manage it as long as I ate something every 5 minutes. This time around I haven’t really been able to find anything that helps consistently. I’m sure the only reason I haven’t puked is because I am willing myself not to. My brain is stronger than my stomach! And I have food aversion this time around. Never had that with Leeland, either. Most of my favorite foods are totally off limits and others are touch and go depending on the day. Chocolate is pretty repulsive to me right now, and pizza has only been successful once. I’ve had vegetables twice in the last 3 weeks! How sad is that?!

I’ve been dreaming WAY more frequently than usual. I’ve had one dream that the baby was a boy and two that it was a girl and also a dream that I was a black woman. In one dream, I named her Amy. My sister says she is “team Amy Jr 2019,” and I think that infiltrated my dream.

Being pregnant with Leeland taught us how to live day to day out of necessity. We just didn’t know which one would be our last, so it was hard to look beyond the day we were living. It’s another reason I am thankful for him and his life. Because I have found myself doing that, but not because I have to. I am expecting that we will make it full term with a healthy baby, but I want to live day to day, too.  I don’t want to take it for granted and rush through these weeks just because I feel like junk. There is something freeing about just living in today. I’ve found myself imagining what life will be like a year from now, and that’s okay, too, but I really like being able to be right where I am without letting fear or impatience take me to a day that hasn’t even come.

Oceans

I listened to Oceans for the first time in a while a couple days ago. Every time I hear it I think back to when it first came out towards the end of 2013. I loved it immediately. The bridge goes like this: Continue reading “Oceans”

Good News From the Doctor

My doctor called on Friday to talk about the results of my HSG test. He, along with the PA who gave us the immediate results, was very surprised that my right fallopian tube was open. When they finished the surgery back in February, they couldn’t see the opening of it at all, so they were convinced it would be blocked, but it wasn’t!

He asked what we wanted to do, and I told him that our biggest goal in all of this was for me to be healthy, and I feel like we are finally there – or as close to there as we will be for now. My body is having cycles without any hormonal assistance, and now we know that both tubes are open. There is healthy tissue on the left side of my uterus, and there is somewhat of of healthy tissue on the right side that leads straight to the open tube. Continue reading “Good News From the Doctor”

Breaking

I was sitting on the exam table waiting for the doctor to come back in, when the tears began to fall. I spoke. Not just to myself, but out loud, so the one I hate – the one who hates me and wants to destroy me – could hear what I had to say.

“You will not steal my joy. You will not make me despair. You will not ruin my marriage. You will not destroy me. You will not make me lose hope. I will STILL proclaim the goodness of the Lord! You will not win because HE already has.”

“You will not win because He already has.”

“YOU WILL NOT WIN BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS WON THE VICTORY!”

When I got to the office and told the doctor I wasn’t Continue reading “Breaking”

I Wasn’t Ready

Everything got really real on this day two years ago.

I was almost 32 weeks pregnant.

We were doing life on a daily basis and had been for a few months by then. Leeland wasn’t supposed to live beyond the 20 week mark, but he had.

I was about to leave work when I felt something. It felt like I had Continue reading “I Wasn’t Ready”

The Sting of Mother’s Day

This is my third Mother’s Day – my second Mother’s Day to come and go without a baby in my arms (he was still in my belly for my first), but I am still a mom.

There are usually an influx of blog posts by mothers like me around this time of year. I know it can be a difficult day for so many of us.

I know there are a lot of moms and long-to-be moms out there that see this day creeping up on their calendars and wish there was a hole big enough for them to hide in for the day because all this day does is remind them Continue reading “The Sting of Mother’s Day”